In Lifestyle on
October 13, 2017

An Open Letter To My Depression

Dear Depression,

I have something to say to you. I don’t think I ever truly wanted to confront you head on. I think I wanted to ignore your existence, because I thought that with you I would lose my identity. The truth is though,

I am not my lowest points in life

 An Open Letter To My Depression | A quick note to the depression that will not defeat me for myself and for those who are listening.

So, I have been sort of in a spiral these last few months.  I will have days when I am so productive and I get so much done and I love every minute of life. Then I will have days where I can barely get out of bed, and I spend all my time napping, in a depressed haze. This has been a lot for me to handle, but I think that it’s important for me to write this letter to you today, depression.

I usually always write about things like this when I have an ending. But I have read something from John Green’s new book Turtles All The Way Down, that really stood out to me.

The problem with happy endings,” I said, “is that they’re either not really happy, or not really endings, you know? In real life, some things get better and some things get worse. And then eventually you die.

— Aza Holmes from p. 276 of Turtles All The Way Down

Yeah, that’s a bit of a bleak way of looking at things, but it helped me come to a few realizations.

My Life’s Not Gonna Be Tied In A Big Beautiful Bow

I hold things out from the very people who make up so much of my life because I am trying to wait for this beautiful happy ending where I don’t deal with some depression and my life is in the very direction that I want it to be.

Even when I have wrapped things up in the past, I never truly wrapped them up. They were better, for a bit, but I still deal with my own issues.  I am a happy person, but even happy people deal with depression and other mental issues.

I can be a mostly happy, positive person with a side of depression that comes and goes every once and a while. I can be stuck in my own head for a bit, as long as I depend on the people around me to help get me out and I don’t shut them out.

I will Deal With This With Grace

I will get over you, depression, like I have gotten over you in the past. This time, though, I will do so knowing that it’s something I am going to have to continuously battle. I am not going to be afraid of you though.

I won’t quiver, or back down from you. You will not own me or overpower me. I will not succumb to you.

I am not powerless.

I am just a little overwhelmed right now.

But, right now isn’t forever, and that’s the part I am learning every single day.

I will deal with you with grace, dignity, and love for myself, even if that takes some time.

I am used to your small visits, but not your large ones, and this visit just gets me prepared for the future. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I hope this letter marks the beginning of a true goodbye, but if you come back, I will be ready for you then too!

You Are Still Here

And you won’t alienate me from the people I love, the readers I cherish, or anyone else, depression. 

This is a letter to my depression that I am still dealing with, and I want it to know that I am still The Happy Arkansan even as it tries to strip that away from me day by day.

I am still me, just with a side of depression, and that’s all I can say right now.

With Love,

Amanda Cross


thanks for listening.

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1 Comment

  • Samantha Christian

    You go, girl, more power to you. Depression drains your energy, hope, and drive, making it difficult to take the steps that will help you to feel better. Thanks for sharing your experience with us.

    October 18, 2017 at 1:04 pm Reply
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